How to feel better: My best advice from my own divorce

Remember how you felt on your wedding day.

Full of joy and anticipation.

Mostly excited to party with friends and family after months and months of wedding planning.

Now you’re someone's wife and you get to call him your husband.

It's like a club and since you were a little girl, you've been waiting to get into.

And now that day is here.

It’s every girl's dream.

Do you remember looking at bridal magazines as a young girl and happily planning your big day as they call it, in your mind.

You knew the dress you wanted, the flowers and even what your ring looked like. 

I know I did. Strapless Swarovski crystal lace dress with cali lilies and roses and a princess cut with side baguette platinum ring.

I loved spending time at my local library.

Back then we didn't have the simple pleasure known as the internet in our house so i spent many days in the library doing school work.  

And most of the time..ok who i am kidding, ALL of the time, i would wander over to the bridal magazine section and comb through each page, envisioning myself in my perfect dress.

I even knew the kind of guy I wanted to marry,  He was Nick Lachey from 98 degrees. Those big arms and juicy lips. Yummy.  I didn’t marry him, unfortunately.

Back then I lived in my dreams.  It was my safe place and I enjoyed living out the life that I wanted in my head.

If you told me back then, that i would have everything, and then a nasty painful divorce with two small children, i would have told you that you were crazy and that you needed to leave me alone. 

No one dreams up a painful breakup. No one sits there and decides what their breakup dress should be. What matching jewelry and shoes would compliment it.

It's so painful, it's devastating and it rips your heart right out.

It leaves you feeling numb, broken, defeated and drained.

Your identity is gone, you feel lost and confused and overwhelmed kicks in overdrive.

You feel isolated, alone and unsupported.

Your hope and dreams are shattered.

Nothing feels good and your future feels dark and gloomy.

At times it will feel like you can’t take anymore.

And you’ll question if these emotions will ever end.

It’s a roller coaster ride of emotions and everyday you feel like someone punched you in the stomach.

Time goes by slowly and you start to lose track of what day it is.

Does it even matter anymore you begin to think.

It’s not like you have anything to look forward to.

I know.  I’ve been through this.

I know this pain all too well.

The little girl that sat for hours looking through bridal magazines and planning her “Big Day” got her heartbroken by her best friend of over 16 years.

She grew up with him. Her identity was intertwined with him. She created two beautiful children with him.

They went through hell and back and thought they were stronger than ever.

Thought it would last forever.

Guess there were other plans for them.

I'm not going to blame him for our relationship problems. I own my part as well.  But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

Just like you, my friend. I understand your hurt.

I’m here to tell you, you’re gonna be just fine.

And I'm not just saying that without knowing and understanding what you're going through.

I’m  telling you that so you can find hope and strength in those words and know that it’s your truth. 

Yes it hurts now.

But it’s not going to be this way forever.

My divorce was a gift. And at the end of reading this, my hope for you is that you can say that too or at least understand that it can be.

Here are some truths that made me realize this and should you choose to believe it and put it in to use in your own life you’ll soon realize it too.

You ready? Ok.

Wipe those tears, and blow the snot dripping from your nose.

Because what I’m about to share with you is going to get you out of your pajamas and showering in no time.

#1: Is the sky blue?  Hell to the yes and just like your pain it’s very real and traumatic.  Allow yourself to cry, scream into a pillow. Punch the pillow if you’d like. In fact I recommend it.  

But please be mindful of punching other people, such as your ex, a mistress or anyone else that dares step on your path.

Allow yourself to fully feel your emotions. Yes this is the part that sucks, but hear me out. When you feel your pain, sadness, disappointment, frustration, anger etc. and ride out the wave of those emotions, you will put yourself on a path of becoming clear about what you want now.

When you know what you DON’T want you can ask yourself what do i WANT instead?

When you have an idea of what you want, you will move towards it.

You’ll make better decisions for you rather than against you and you’ll take aligned action steps that help move you towards what you want instead of taking steps backwards.

Understand that some days are going to be better than others. One day you won't be able to stop crying, And other days you’ll feel hopeful about your new future and then you’ll see breaded chicken cutlets and break down crying because those were his favorite.

Be easy on yourself ok. Don't beat yourself up. That’s not helping you or anyone else.  

#2: Embrace your past. Don't fill up on regrets or saying “if i could have done this” or i should have done that” or maybe if this happened” or why did i marry the douchebag in the first place” Cut that out now.  It happened. You can learn from it and use that as a springboard to create something even better for yourself. Living in regret is only going to hold you back from seeing what's ahead of you. Don't live in the past. Live in the now,.  Instead of looking for ways to stay in the past, ask What did i learn from this?  What can I do differently going forward?  

#3: Don't try and figure out all of your childhood traumas to what led you here. As you go through the process of rebuilding your life and identity into a new you, because that’s what’s happening, you're becoming a new person, you will uncover past hurts and limiting beliefs.  Trust me when i say they will show up down the road. In the meantime, don't force them to show up.

#4: Look for moments to feel good. It doesn't have to be every hour, but find joy in something everyday.  When my ex left, I bought myself a fancy coffee machine. Why? Because sipping my morning coffee felt like bliss to me.  I also find joy in writing with my gel pens. It’s the little things ok. Don't be making excuses as to why you can't find joy in the smallest things everything single day. You can. Just look for it. To jumpstart feeling good, download your 10 FEEL GOOD Journal Prompts here.

#5: Everything in this universe is energy. Everything. I’m not making this up. I dare you to throw a ball up in the air and see what happens. As you move through your emotions and create new visions for yourself, you will create momentum towards that energy. Understanding that nothing stays the same, everything flows, will empower you with changing your ways of thinking and how you’re managing your emotions. When you know this you won’t feel as stuck anymore. 

#6: Connect with understanding that you can create something even better than before. So you may not think that right now but trust me you can. Allow yourself to dream up a vision for yourself. What gets you excited? What are you passionate about?  What do you want to learn? Now is the time to tap into answering those questions. If you're not ready yet That's ok. Keep working through your emotions.  But make sure not to keep making excuses as to why you can’t answer these questions.

#7 Make awareness your best friend. Notice when your thoughts are taking a dip and assign some go to affirmations to change them.  There's a difference between working through your emotions and drowning in them. Some thoughts aren't going to serve you. Learn to recognize which ones they are and then pick a go to affirmation to help take the momentum off that negative thought to help guide you back to your vision. My favorite go to affirmation is “everything is always working out for me.” Feel free to use that one if you can’t think of one right now. To help create a list of your own affirmations use this 10 FEEL GOOD Journal Prompts as a guide.

#8: Moving on and Letting go is a process.  If you think you're going to wake up magically one day and feel better, I hate to break it to you but that ain't gonna happen.  Would you suddenly wake up one day and have a 6 pack abs..nooo and if you figured it out let me know..i know my abs muscles are under there somewhere after three kids. This is going to take time but that doesn't mean you have to sit in a lack mindset of what you're missing and once had. Use this time to feel your emotions and create a vision for yourself by connecting with what brings you joy.  Which one would you rather do, be miserable or find joy?

#9: Your life isn't over. Yes it may  feel like that but it's not. You have the ability to make something even better now.  A fresh start, and new and improved you. Do you know how many married people are probably jealous of you right now? Rock it girl. You've got power, use it. I’d rather be part of this makeover/empowerment club than stay in a marriage that’s boring, dull and lacks growth.

#10: Talk to people that inspire and encourage you. Yes aunt Sue is nice to talk to but sometimes certain family and friends only add to a negative story version of your life. During this time especially it's important to keep looking ahead, working through your emotions and surrounding yourself with people that help keep you on that path.  People don’t understand this kind of pain unless they’ve been through it. Making them understand is like trying to run a marathon wearing ice skates.  No thanks. You want to make sure you've created a solid foundation for a growth mindset before being under the influence of others. This is Crucial in your healing journey. If you need a supportive community I've got your back. Check out my private Facebook Community Here

There you have it. That’s my 10 golden truths.  I've got more but you’re gonna have to wait for the book to come out. Wink wink. 

But seriously start with wrapping your head around these 10 truths first. Start implementing them into your life.

It’s going to take time to fully heal and sometimes it's going to feel like you may never get there. And that's ok.

You will have memories of the past and when you learn to embrace those memories it won’t hurt as much.  

The KEY is to find little moments of joy every single day and from there, start to create a new vision of life for yourself. 

Do the things you've always wanted to do. Read those books, take that trip, sign up for a class that excites you.

Get to know YOU all over again. What you put your energy into will grow and expand.

If you want to learn something new, you don’t just practice a few times and then call yourself an expert.

You have to practice it every day, put your time and energy into it. As the one and only Missy Elliot says, I put my thing down, flip it, and reverse it, put your back into it. Work it.

The same is true for your thoughts and emotions. Getting to know yourself means getting to understand your thoughts and feelings. 

You are the only one that controls what you're thinking and how you're feeling. Yes people will influence that but at the end of the day you call the shots.  

How powerful is that?

Take those baby steps every single day. Take your feelings moment to moment.

Allow yourself to dream again. Allow yourself to get excited again.

Now go jump in the shower and go look for that one thing that brings you joy today. You’ve got this!

ps: If you're looking for a supportive community of women going through what you are, check out my private Facebook community Here. Make sure to answer the questions to join the group!

pps: If you're looking for a deeper level of support to help you work through what's holding you back from moving on and letting go then check out my monthly membership program where we work with 5 stages to move you from heartbreak to happiness. Learn more HERE.